on health

you know that question ''what do you want to be in life''? in 10, 20, 40 years? who do you wanna be?
well, i used to give this whole elaborate answer, with my career plans, living on my own in my own apartment at 25, stuff like that. i had my whole life planned. i wanted to be rich, educated and well-known in the field. some people say they want to be famous or happy (which is very obvious to me and a bit of a cop out answer to me tbh).

my answer changed this year though. it's being healthy, both mind and soul.
this is what i didn't get when i was younger. at christmas my grandparents and others always wish me health "cause that's all we really got sweetheart''. why's that, there's so many more things we have and are important right? well, yeah, sure. but i still feel that health is the most important and the most overlooked one too, to be honest.

i've mentioned it here before a couple of times, but i've been having health problems almost all my life, mostly with my skeleton and joints. no major injury, just my skeleton isn't the best somehow. this means that during middle school, after my growth sprout, i started getting very bad lower back pain. when i went to the doctors after i changed schools, it turned out that i was so stressed that the muscles supporting my spine were tense all the time and couldn't regenerate. this affected the spine itself, constant pressure isn't good for vertebrae. rehabilitation helped and i'm not in the hurtful environment anymore so it got better.

but we are a whole being after all. during sessions we worked on connected tissues and it turns out that my hips are my worst problem. after my exams this year i had more time to actually go to all the doctors i was supposed to go to, take care of myself more i guess, got a wisdom tooth out, my hormones got checked, and i also visited the orthopedist.

hip pain is quite specific, let me tell you. when you're at a point where there is literally no position that doesn't hurt and you can't walk up a flight of stairs without tears in your eyes, it's very bad.

and then you hear that there is literally nothing you can do to stop this.

the tissues have to age for them to be less sensitive and there is no, even temporary, solution.

i cried. i cried, not because of the pain, as sad as it sounds, you get used to it, but because i have never realised so strongly what extended periods of constant pain do to you. this is not about the pain itself anymore, it's the mental struggle. how strong is the longing for relief, how it lingers in your brain at all times. even after months of living with it, after ''getting used to'' and adjusting yourself to all that, this thing is always there. you think about it for a second and suddenly you feel it more and it all sucks. i've had things ruined because of this. this thought comes to mind,

how does it feel like to not hurt.

i've never heard anyone speak about it. of course, it's known that patients who have to lay down for extended periods of time, or are otherwise limited, do experience depression stages, it's one of the hardest things for doctors to deal with after a while. but how is it the other way around. or how is it with everyday, more or less constant pain.

during my rehabilitation i had lots of time to think, and there are multiple topics in there too, but it proved to me that we really are a unity, body and mind are connected in the tightest of knots, and that health really is the most important.

when you can't walk up the stairs and have to plan your whole route somewhere to avoid said stairs, it really affects you. i stopped going to some places cause it meant that i had to walk upstairs. the greatest thing is when the underground passages get on ground alternatives. that messes you up, people. it brings so much frustration and anger, towards yourself too, it's insane. i'm 20, this shouldn't be happening!

yet it does. mental health is just the same. i've been in therapy for almost 4 years, been taking medications, antidepressants and stabilisers for 3 and a half. i'm very sensitive with psychosomatic stuff so this is so connected.

as my mum says

we are an entity.

that is why my answer changed. without physical health you can't be happy, without mental health your body is miserable too.

and this last paragraph is specifically for you, my dear reader.

take care of yourself, not for anybody else but for yourself. take those medications. please, they save lives. go for that doctor check up. don't ignore that one thing in your knee, you know what i mean. when your body is sad, you're sad, and when you're sad and it's taking a toll on your body, that's so bad too. if you ever considered going to the doctors for that thing, please do. you need yourself to be healthy. tell me that in 40 years you want to be healthy.

please take care of yourself to be here in 40 years to tell me that i was right.



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